My Alcoholism Lies To Me



Alcoholism: “Hey there, Buddy. How’s it going?”

Me: “What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were taking a vacation.”

Alcoholism: “Nooo. I don’t do vacations. I’ve been at the gym working out. I’m getting ridiculously ripped too. Working my program. One day at a time, right?” (Flexes his big biceps and laughs, entirely pleased with himself).

Me: “That’s hilarious…but I’m not interested. You and I were never buddies and I’m not buying any of your bullshit today.”

Alcoholism: “Oh come on now…we used to be really good friends.”

Me: “You’re my DISEASE. And you fucking lie to me all the time. You were the reason I was afraid and resentful of everything and everyone. You made me depressed. You were the reason I hated myself and wanted to die! Why don’t you just go away and leave me alone?”

Alcoholism: “We were great friends. Don’t you remember? We used to hang out every day. I was the one who introduced you to the solution to EVERYTHING.  (He pauses a moment and starts to smile…) Remember how we drank together all those times? It was like alllll of your problems just vanished into thin air. We went to all the bars and all those parties. We had so many friends and had so much fun!”

Me:  “I’ll admit it was fun in the beginning when you introduced me to drugs and alcohol. Alcohol made it kind of cool for us to hang out. I could finally relax and be okay with things. For awhile it really was good between us. But you were only nice to me when we were drinking. And it didn’t last. The alcohol and drugs were only a temporary solution for the problems I didn’t want to face. And then it just got ugly.”

Alcoholism: “Yeah and then you had to go and do really stupid shit. Wrecking cars and getting arrested and everything. You really fucked your life up, not to mention everyone else’s.  Nice going, Loser.”

Me: “I did stupid shit? I did? You were the one telling me that drinking was the only way I could deal with life. It was YOU that made me want to drink myself into blackouts all the time. YOU were the one that always put that first drink in my hand. And it always led to way too many. You know I can’t stop once I start.”

Alcoholism: “Sure you can. You have all of that AA bullshit now so you can handle things better. It’ll be different this time. I promise. Just a little controlled drinking, you know? Like a normal person. Now you can actually have a couple and stop before things get crazy. You’ve learned your lessons. I’m really proud of you. Hey! We should celebrate how far you’ve come. You deserve it.”

Me: “I see what you’re trying to do. I know your tricks.”

Alcoholism: “I would never try to trick you. It’s those happy shiny people in AA who try to trick you. It’s such bullshit. It’s like a big cult of self-righteous hypocrites. They don’t care about you. They’re just trying to make themselves feel good. You don’t need those assholes. And you’ve been going to way too many of those stupid meetings. What a waste of time. You should probably cut back on that.”

Me: “I’m not listening to you. The good people in the rooms of AA saved my life.”

Alcoholism: “It’s an illusion, Idiot. Geez. Do I have to explain everything to you? The only reason you’ve been sober this long is because you have STRONG WILLPOWER. It wasn’t the praying or the meetings or those ridiculous steps. You never needed God to help you. It was just you all along, needing to cut back for a little while.”

Me: “Lies. All lies. The only reason you are even here right now is to remind me that I need to work the steps more fully into my life. I need to help another alcoholic today.”

Alcoholism: “You remember how good that scotch tasted? Ice cold and going down so warm…you could just have ONE. It’ll be fine. Like the old days. No one needs to know. Just you and me, Buddy.”

Me: “God, Grant me the Serenity…….”

Alcoholism: (Laughs again and shakes his head, walking away) “See you soon, Buddy. See you soon.”




7 thoughts on “My Alcoholism Lies To Me

  1. Alcoholism: “Don’t you remember how we used to sit on the beach with a margarita, surrounded by beautiful women?”
    Me: “Mostly I remember waking up on the floorboard of my truck in a strange neighborhood with a headache.”
    Alcoholism: “Don’t you remember how we used to sit on the beach with a margarita, surrounded by beautiful women?”

    Liked by 1 person

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