Sometimes I just want to be alone.
And sometimes that’s good for me. Perfectly fine.
But right now…it’s not.
It’s really not.
It’s been lasting for a number of days now and it’s been getting worse. I can clearly see the signs. Irritable mood. Pessimistic thoughts. I could fall into a depression so easily when I feel like this. I feel my spiritual well-being slipping. I’m spending too much time in my own head. Way too much thinking. Bad thinking.
It’s the old me again. Stopping by for a visit.
There are things I should be doing and I’m not doing them. Things that need to be planned and accomplished. Things for working my program. Things for my life. But I’m not doing them. I’m not motivated. I’m not interested in doing anything at all and that becomes guilt. I’m disappointed in myself and how I’m not making any progress.
And people….are starting to get to me again. Oh fuck are they getting to me.
Within the last week, it’s been literally everyone. The ex-wife (naturally), my friends, my coworkers (total assholes), and people I hardly even know on Facebook. My sponsee. Politicians in the news. The phonies. The narcissists. The hypocrites. And even my sons. Both of them.
Some of these people have said messed up shit to me that’s sticking in my head. They’ve been disappointing me or pissing me off. They just won’t fucking listen. They make me sad sometimes. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. I can get angry too so easily lately. They all seem to be at their very worst right now… but I know it’s really just me. All me. My thinking. My mood. My alcoholism without the alcohol.
I’ve gotten irritable. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t even like people right now. Not even the people I love.
And so I isolate myself. I stay in my apartment and I avoid people. It seems for the best, really. I’m not very good company right now anyway. You might see a forced smile on my face but I’d rather be somewhere else. By myself.
And that makes things worse. I know this.
But I also know there is some good news. I know that this too shall pass. Tomorrow will be a new day and things might seem brighter. I’ll pray in the morning. I’ll try to feel more grateful again and do something nice for someone. I should call my friend and talk about what’s been going on. I could help another drunk. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that I can fix this. AA has given me tools I can use to deal with my issues.
I’m glad I wrote this post tonight. There seems to be some therapeutic value in the process of writing here. It’s getting it all out of my head and onto the screen. It also occurs to me that knowing someone else might read this is possibly a kind of reaching out. Trying to tell on myself that I’ve been doing wrong.
Maybe this was a really good idea to write this.
It was something that I could do alone.